Feedback on my poem?
March 22nd, 2008 | by admin |Here goes:
It’s been eight hours in the car/
mid July and our necks stick to the back of the seats/
cornfields and mustard fields/
I want to crawl out the open window and run across the highway/
leap across the yellow divider and into the tall golden stalks/
press my body against the cool brown earth/
we pull up to a motel/
27 channels/
a squirrel on a tightrope and a kitchen renovation/
the motel pool closed at 8./
it’s 8:12/
there’s a golf course outside our window/
this time, we do crawl out/
sprinklers ticking in semicircles on the bright green grass/
you think you understand it/
and then tztztztz they spin around and spray you/
and we leap over the little knolls/
spin around the red-flagged poles/
our legs free /
a fleeting moment before the sun sinks below the willow trees/
and the hotel manager runs at us like we’re the crazy ones
Question posted courtesy of: Ellen
4 Responses to “Feedback on my poem?”
By scarletrose1020 on Mar 24, 2008 | Reply
I LIKE IT ALOT. It’s very descriptive.
By Persiphone_Hellecat on Mar 25, 2008 | Reply
The description and imagry is great - the flow and rhythm could use some cleaning up. Try reading it outloud and your voice will fall into a natural pattern and you will hear where the rhythm gets lost. Pax - C.
By kallistos on Mar 26, 2008 | Reply
the two lines about the motel pool seem out of place and a bit mundane.
the imagery is good, but it would definitely benefit from an incorporation of vivid/synesthetic metaphor.
By Nathan D on Mar 26, 2008 | Reply
It is a beginning of some great adventure in verse.
You don’t need to use the slashes if you show a line break on the page.
Keep writing it. It doesn’t feel finished.